Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Fuck You Universe

So, yeah, it's been a while.  I am still knocking on death's door with some ungodly sickness and now my hot water heater has decided to take a crap.  We're not even gonna mention a few other situations I've gotten myself into, so I have to say this......Seriously?  What is the deal universe?  Am I that awful of a person that you decided to bitch slap me several times in the short span of two weeks? 

I hate to be a glass is half empty complainer (cause mainly I hate those types), but I am about to start taking some of this shit personally.  I just want to stand on my roof top and scream at the top of my lungs.  Well, maybe not the roof top because I'm scared of heights.  Maybe the top of my car.  Hell, maybe I'll just get under my car and let it run over me a few times.  That ought to cure things. 

Someone please rescue me!  Send a paddywagon to the Bible Belt and look for the stark ravin' MAD housewife under a car.  That will be me.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Why You Should Do Things Yourself

Hello blogland.  I am still sick and grumpy and generally not a lot of fun.  I figure if I had blogged every day this week I would have a new bitch every day.  Well, today I got one and I'm not going to let it go.

My husband lives in his own world.  He asks questions and tries to engage, but it does not get absorbed.  We have both been sick and he stayed home from work today.  This evening I ask him to go to Walgreen's to pick up some medicine and a special kind of shampoo I use.  I told him no less then three times what kind of medicine I had had and to get something similar there.  Once at Walgreen's my phone proceeds to be blown up with calls and texts about all the different kinds of meds.  Um, hello, did I NOT tell you exactly what I was looking for?!  Really dude.  It's not like I am asking for something you are going to have to import from another country. 

So, what will I get when he gets home?  Probably something for PMS.  *bangs head*

Monday, February 7, 2011

Snow. Fabulous.

Really, I am in such a shitty mood.  I had a GREAT weekend, besides the millions of meltdowns the Drama Queen decided was necessary, but then Monday had to come.  And with it comes snow and sickness.  Even for someone who is a "stay at home mom" Monday's still suck.  I want a re-do and a damn day off! 

I am going to guess, since this is the south and all, we won't have school tomorrow with this snow.  My daughter has been off from school since last Wednesday with her teeth pulling incident.  They are predicting more snow this week.  What did I do to deserve such bad ass karma?  Seriously.

Sorry this is a short and pissy post, but I'm short and pissy myself.   

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Just a Really Quick Check-In

Hey everybody!  Just wanted to pop in and let you know I've not abandoned ship.  We've just had a busy few days with kiddo and her lip.  It is doing so much better today.  Also, I've got a crazy busy weekend so it may be Monday before I can update and comment on blogs!

Much love!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

She Bit Her Lip? Really Now?

So yesterday I had to take my sweet little daughter to the dentist.  I knew more then likely they were going to have to pull her bottom teeth because one of the adult teeth was already through the skin behind her baby teeth and another one is almost through.  Kiddo was so nervous, but I tried to assure her it would be fine and they would make sure she did not hurt.  When we arrive at the dentist they give us our consultation and sure enough, they need to pull four so there is plenty of room for the adult teeth to finish coming in and move forward.  Her baby teeth never got loose, and it didn't look like they would, so this was the route we needed to go.  She does beautifully getting her teeth pulled.  No crying or anything.  They have her the "happy gas" and numbed her gums with a shot.

Okay, let's fast forward an hour or so.  Kiddos lip is HUGE.  At least five times the size it's supposed to be.  I'm not really concerned yet, but I call the dentist office and ask them about it and they tell me it's probably because while her lip was numb she was chewing on it.  Okay, I can buy that.  Sounds logical.  As the day wears on her lip begins to look worse and worse.  I get concerned that maybe she is having an allergic reaction to the drug or something.  When husband gets home we discuss it and decide that since she is acting fine, no fever, or anything out of the ordinary we will give her ibuprofen for the night and call the dentist back in the morning.

This morning kiddo wakes up and her lip looks awful.  Like it's infected or something.  I am about to freak out and husband calls the dentist office again.  Once again we hear, "Oh she must have bit her lip while it was numb."  Good thing husband was on the phone with them and not me.  I would have went off.  I get her an appointment with the pediatrician this afternoon.  He takes a look at it and assures me she did not have an allergic reaction or anything, but that she has suffered lip trauma.  WHAT THE FUCK?!  Lip trauma?!  He can see me starting to get upset and tries to calm me down and explains that probably either the dental dam or the assistant pulled on her lip too much and since she couldn't feel it, she didn't know to ask them to stop. 

Now, I have had no problems in the past with kiddos dentist office.  I like going there because it is a pediatric dentist and she has been going since she was three.  However, after this little incident I am a little displeased.  Luckily it hasn't scared her away from the dentist or anything, since she couldn't feel anything, but still.  Lip trauma on a six year old just for pulling teeth?!  I'd kinda like to go and give them all lip trauma right now.

Thank god I'm going out with a friend tonight for karoke and beer.  I need it!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

On No! The Monster is Coming Over!

So, Amber from one me, two monsters is apparently drunk posting and decides to tag me in a quiz.  Thanks Amber!  No, really.  Thanks.  She was also kind enough to give me the title of my post.  I love this.  No hassle blogging.  If this happens too much I could get spoiled.  Also, if you don't follow her, you should.  She's hilarious and lives in that barren land full of snow called Alaska.  Could you do me a favor Amber and bury Sarah Palin in a large snow drift?  Thanks.

Well, without further ado, let's get on with the questions.

1. If you have pets, do you see them merely as animals, or are they members of your family?
  As if this question really has to be asked.  My pets are just like my children.  I have three pups (one who is 12, one that will be 6 in March, and one that just turned 2).  When I was pregnant with my daughter people kept telling me that my oldest pup would take a backseat once she arrived.  I was absolutely adamant that that would not happen, and it didn't.  You don't just forget your oldest child when you have a new one.  You accommodate.  So, as you can see, they are members of my family.

2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
  That is a hard one.  I dream a lot.  That's right folks, I'm admitting it now, I'm not exactly living a dream so I keep my head in the clouds.  Don't blame me, I'm a Pisces.  At the moment my dream would probably be to run away with Rob Pattinson and have his babies.  Yes, I will turn 32 this month and I dream of a guy younger then my brother.  Go me.

3. What is one thing most hated by you?
  ONE thing?  What kinda jacked up quiz is this?  Okay, okay, I would probably say bad table manners.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
  Buy Rob Pattinson, Johnny Depp, and a private island tricked out with all the amenities.  Oh, this is a serious question?  Silly me.  I would pay off our debt, build a nice house, get a new car, make sure my daughters college and future is set, and invest the rest.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
  Listening to "Love Train" by The O'Jays.  Also, just being left alone to read.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
  Well, now that is a hard decision.  The only person I can honestly answer this about is my daughter and I just cannot pick between the two.

7. What is your bedtime routine?
  You are talking to an insomniac here.  I have no routine for myself.  My daughters routine is reading while eating a small snack and having a drink, brushing her teeth, laying down while I sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and "Mr. Sandman" (we cannot sub other songs, this is her routine), then tucking her in and turning out the light.  After that I usually remove my contacts and watch TV and/or surf the net while attempting to get sleepy.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
  We meet online almost 12 years ago.  So romantic.

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
  I am honestly not sure.  If I can go for dead people I would say Elvis or John Lennon.  Especially John Lennon while he was writing his songs and creating the music.  Alive, I have no idea.  Rob Pattinson?  (See a trend here folks?)

10. What kind of books do you read?
  Reading is an escape for me.  Since I've been out of school I do not read anything "heavy" and I loathe the classics.  Plain English please people!  So, as I have admitted in another post, I have an obsession with young adult paranormal romance.  I also enjoy adult paranormal romance and chick-lit.  Currently I am reading "Winter Garden" by Kristin Hanna.

11. What's your fear?
  Something happening to my daughter is my biggest fear.  My second is something happening to me prematurely so I do not get to see her grow up and who she becomes.

12. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
  Is this a trick question?  HELL.NO.  I hate to fly in an airplane in our own atmosphere.  I sure as hell don't want to leave it and go floating out into the big black void.

13. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
  I have to plead the fifth on this one. 

14. What's the first thing you do when you wake up?
  Usually shout, "WHHHYYYYYY????!!!"  Then I get out of bed and hit the shower.

15. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
  He is far too serious.  I would change his outlook to be more positive and fun.

16. If you could pick a new name for yourself what would it be?

17. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
   That is a whole 'nother blog post in itself people.

18. If you could only eat one thing for the next six months, what would it be?
  Chinese food!  I would be even fatter and chock full of MSG, but damn would I be in heaven!

So there ya have it folks.  Ain't I just a gem?!  Apparently I am supposed to tag people now, so here we go....

Torystellar Can U Relate?
Mamma Heather's a Mommy
Megan 1 Funky Woman
Brandi dysfunctionalsupermomdotcom


Monday, January 31, 2011

Blah, It's Monday......

So, yeah it's Monday and I generally hate them.  Nothing really good ever happens on a Monday.  At least, not in my world.  So, I don't have anything to really blog about today.  I will, however, play by the rules of my fabulous award that was lovingly bestowed upon me by Torystellar.

I am supposed to list seven things about me.  I am not all that exciting, but here goes.....

1. I am deathly afraid of heights, roller coasters, and flying.
2. I have an unhealthy addiction to young adult paranormal romance novels.
3. The only drug I have ever done is marijuana and I don't get what all the hype about it is.
4. I love Chinese food and would eat it every day if possible.
5. I have no tolerance for bad table manners.
6. I often wish I had made better choices when I was younger to see how my life would have turned out.
7. I hold grudges for a very, very long time and realize that is not a healthy thing to do.

So there you have it folks!  Ain't I a winner?!

(Yes, I know I'm supposed to pass this along, but I'm lazy tonight.  Rain check?)

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I Kissed a Gay Boy and I Liked It......

Last night I had probably one of the most fun experiences in my mostly bland life.  I went to a gay bar for drag show audition night.  Holy shitballs.  Where has this kind of fun been all my life?!  Seriously. 

My brother had rounded enough of us up to go so we could get a reserved table.  It was perfect!  This bar is small and intimate so really there isn't a bad seat in the house, but we were perfectly positioned between where the Queens come out and the stage.  Before the show most of the gals come out and mingle with the crowd and hang with those they invited.  My cousin and I both were drag show virgins and were like kids in a candy store.  I decided immediately by the end of the evening I was going to be depressed if I had not consumed enough alcohol because almost all of the Queens were beautiful.  One in particular though was perfect.  Absolutely perfect.  She was very tall and had a models body.  My cousin and I just could not get over her.  Cousin says to my brother, "I want to feel her ass!"  So brother says, "Well, just tell her.  I'm sure she'll let you."  Well, Cousin is super outspoken, but could not bring herself to do this for some reason.  So me, being me, stood up at our table and as soon as Beautiful Queen turned in our direction I start waving at her frantically.  Like my ass is on fire frantic.  I am sure I saw her glance around to try and decide if she should make a break for it or just come over to the drunk fat woman and see what she wanted.  In the end, Beautiful Queen heads in our direction.  I tell her, "Cousin over here wants to feel your ass.  Can I feel your boobs?  Also, by the way, you are absolutely fucking beautiful and perfect."  She was so flattered and just kept telling me thank you and said that of course we could feel her boobs and ass!  Now, it's not lost on me here that we were doing something to this poor gal that we women would absolutely be offended at and probably castrate a guy if they did that to us.  However, I couldn't help it.  Three Olives Vodka and Bud Select were talking for me.  When I have alcohol in me, there is no filter and I am likely to do and say many things that are highly inappropriate.  However, I can almost guarantee that you will have a good time if you are with me! 

Anywho, from one of the performers who we are friends with, I found out a lot of the secrets to the drag trade.  I am fascinated.  Absolutely fascinated.  I would seriously go to one of these shows every weekend if I could, but alas it's only once a month.  Sadness.

Now, on to the kissing a gay boy fun......

My cousin found this guy who was  I mean, it's a wonder that any females panties didn't immediately burst into flame upon seeing him.  She saw him at the bar and chatted him up a bit and found out he was, in fact, gay.  I think about a million hearts burst into pieces at that very moment.  Anyway, Cousin came back and told me about him and then drug me along to go find him.  She was enamored.  Once I laid eyes on him, I could understand why.  Woweeee!!!  So, she talked with him most of the night and danced with him and we all had a great time.  I asked him if he realized how many female hearts he broke being gay and he said something to the effect that he was sorry but he just liked dick to much.  A man after my own heart, I tell ya.  ;-)  Anyway, Cousin is a little hottie herself and finally got him to make out with her.  I was happy for her.  Brother found some cute guy to grind on and make out with.  I was happy for him.  While I was sitting at our table one of Brother's friends came by and we chatted a bit and I told him I was so depressed cause all of the Queens in the house were beautiful and Cousin had made out with someone and so had Brother and I was left with no one.  He leans over and begins to make out with me!  Well, being as Three Olives and Bud were doing their thing in me I just went with it.  Damn he was a good kisser!  Maybe I should sign my husband up for lessons.

So there it is folks.  I am a horrible wife, but I kissed a gay boy and I liked it!   

Friday, January 28, 2011

I would like to thank.....

the little people.  Without you, this would not be possible. 

What the fuck?!  Sorry about that.  It has always been a dream of mine to give a speech like that.  Anyway, I got an award!  An award people!  OMG, doing the happy dance. 

Okay, now what do I do with it?  No, really, I have no clue.  Are there rules?  Am I supposed to forward it?  Help a newbie out here peeps!

Torystellar, you're the best bebe.  I love ya!  Big kiss.

Check her out, y'all.  She's one of my besties and you'll love her.  Trust.  Can U Relate?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Blizzard Bloghop

I need friends.  I am desperate!  No, really, I'm just a gal who has followed blogs for a long time and a friend finally convinced me to begin my own, so here I am. 

What will you find here?  Well as time goes on, there is truly no telling.  Hopefully something you will love and come back for more of.  I am a mommy to one two legged child, three four legged children, and wife to one.  I should have began blogging years ago to keep records of all the funny shit my daughter has said and done, but alas, I fail.  I cuss, I drink, I find inappropriate things insanely funny, I'm a liberal, I'm opinionated. 

Come on back for more!  You know you want to.  ;)

This bloghop is sponsored by Household6Diva

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Tantrum? PMS? Demonic Possession?

I am seriously about ready to call a priest and beg for him to come with Holy Water.  And I'm not Catholic.  Or religious.  I have absolutely no idea what has happened to my sweet, although strong willed and opinionated, child.  I would trade the last few months for "Terrible Twos or Threes" any day. 

My daughter is six years old, going on about twenty six.  She is an only child and I admit spoiled.  She has always been strong willed and opinionated and while that gives me a headache as a mother, it gives me peace of mind that she will not be steam-rolled by others.  However, for the last few months things have went from bad to worse.  She seems to have at least one tantrum daily.  She cries at the drop of the hat, and she has never been a a crier.  She will argue until she is blue in the face with just about anything you say to her. We have tried all sorts of punishments for the misbehavior's ( time out, taking away favorite things, no TV/movies, and yes even a spanking or two) and all of it is to no avail.

I have talked with her teacher to see if there is anything going on at school.  Her teacher, whom I totally trust to know if there is a problem because she is so in tune with her students, assures me that she has seen no difference in my daughter.  She brings home excellent work, plays well with others, etc.  I have sent her guidance counselor a message in hopes that he has some brilliant idea on how the husband and I can work through this issue with her. 

Please tell me there is another six year old girl out there going through this and it's just another "phase!"  If not I am going to call the insane asylum to set me up a room with a Xanax and vodka drip.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Not Merely Fat, but Obese

That's right.  Just shoot my already abysmally low self esteem down to rock bottom.  I am not merely fat, but I am officially obese.  Fabulous.  How in the hell did I let myself get this way?  I am 5'3" tall and all through high school and my first marriage I weighed in between 120 to 125 pounds.  That is considered "normal" for my height.  Even at that time I thought I was fat.  Gah!  There isn't much I wouldn't do to be that "fat" now.

So, again, I ask, how did I let myself get this way?  Well, I would love to be able to blame it on pregnancy or something of the sort, but truth of the matter is, I was already overweight before I even had my daughter six and a half years ago.  Also, all during my pregnancy I was extremely sick and actually lost weight instead of gained it.  So, yeah, can't use that as an excuse.  I could also say genetics is at fault.  While this is partly true, the majority of my family is overweight/obese, I can't blame it all on that.  I really started picking up weight after my first marriage ended badly.  I was not particularly sad about getting a divorce because Husband One was a world class abusive asshole, but he had already knocked my self esteem down so low I figured no one else would want me.  I ate to escape having to feel anything.  Since then, and that was about twelve years ago, I have continued to gain weight.  Luckily I am still under the 200 mark, but not by much!

So, the question needs to be asked, what am I going to do about it?  Well, I have started a diet and exercise program.  I am using Slim Fast to start off with, but know that it cannot be used forever.  I have started off walking one mile a day on my treadmill and doing twenty crunches.  I will increase both of those weekly, I hope.  I also refuse to weigh in every single week.  I know if I don't see the results I think I should weekly I will get discouraged and quit.  I do not want to do that.  I owe my daughter, and my husband, a healthier wife and mother.  So, I am hoping to do a weigh in once a month.

Here's to hoping that in a month I can report a bit of a weight loss!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Who is the Mad Housewife?

That is actually a good question.  Sometimes I'm not even sure that I know who she is.  I have let myself get so taken over by being the stay at home mom I don't really remember who I am supposed to be.  My "about me" paragraph describes who I am, but not who I am, if that makes any sense.  I have an ex friend who, last we talked, was on a search for "herself."  Apparently that journey meant she had to drop me as a friend because I had began talking to a mutual friend we used to have that she no longer wanted in her life.  I still follow her blog, on occasion, and apparently she has gotten all Zen and began doing yoga.  That, I am for certain, is not me.  So, again, we are left with the question of who is the Mad Housewife?

Well, what I know for sure is that I am a 30-something wife and mother of one.  I know I come from a broken home and that I myself have been married twice.  I have a younger brother and an older step-sister.  I am an animal lover so we have three dogs and a hamster in our household.  I am overweight and less then happy about it.  I have great friends, but have a lot to learn about being a great friend in return.  I am not really a "people person" but more of a loaner.  I don't generally like children, just my own.  I have extremely low self-esteem.  My first marriage was a total failure because my husband was completely immature and abusive.  My second marriage is not happy but not unhappy.  It just is what it is.  We are more like friends or roommates then husband and wife.

What does all of that say about me?  Well, to me it tells me I need to get my shit together.  I need to figure out who I am and what exactly I want out of life before I'm a bitter middle aged woman.  I need to grow a pair and either work on my marriage to make it happy or I need to get out.  My daughter deserves to have a confident, happy mother.

I am hopeful that by keeping this blog I can be brutally honest with myself and figure out just who I am and what I want and go for it.  We shall see.....

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Truth of the Matter....

I have tried blogging several times in the past.  I totally fail.  I do it for about a week and then I just quit.  No reason, just up and quit.  Well, the other day I was talking to one of my besties on the phone and she divulged to me that she had been blogging anonymously for the past few months and she is hooked.  She told me that I should totally give it a try, not knowing about my past failures.  She said, and I quote, "You have so many stories to tell and things to get out.  Just do it."  

I have thought about her advice for a few days.  She is actually right.  I have a lot of stories to tell and a lot of feelings to deal with, but the truth of the matter is, a lot of them I would not be able to tell if I were not doing this anonymously.  That has been, it seems, the problem in the past.  I have always been blogging under my name, or at the very least a user name that my friends and family are familiar with.  It is not that I am particularly ashamed of the stories or feelings that I have, but I don't want anyone to get hurt.  "The names and faces have been changed to protect that innocent...." and all that jazz. 

So, will this time around be the charm?  Will I be able to write about things that I have experienced and keep a blog going?  Will readers even give a shit about what I write?  I have no clue.  If you are reading this, I must be up front.  I cuss, a lot.  There are probably things that you are going to read that will offend you.  I will have stories about my family, friends, the past, the present, and hopes for the future.  I will probably jump around a lot and be kind of confusing, but that is the way my brain works.  I am also long winded.  After all of that, I hope you will keep reading!

Until next time.......